


Putting your life into words

by Graceful_Flower



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Drama, F/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-02
Updated: 2020-05-16
Packaged: 2021-03-02 01:34:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 9,968
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23963185
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Graceful_Flower/pseuds/Graceful_Flower
Summary: It's her last year at Hogwarts and even though nothing is what it used to be, life is still happening and even Lord Voldemort can't stop the process of growing up and making decisions for her future. Seeking to become a journalist, Lily Evans now needs to come to terms with the fact that her aptitude test for the Daily Prophet wants her to face the one person she does not get along with at all, James Potter. Being the new star of the national quidditch team and at the heart of the newest tragic events, James Potter is the center of the nation's greed for sensation.How far is Lily Evans willing to go for the story of her life?
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter
Comments: 3
Kudos: 7





	1. Prologue - Everything is Changing

Lily was uncomfortable. For the first time in six years, she didn't want to stand on that platform. Platform 9 ¾. Six times this platform had meant the end of her vacation. It had meant finally being separated from her vengeful sister after 8 endless weeks. It had meant seeing her friends again. It also had meant meeting the annoying James Potter again. But this was her life, and for Lily, these last six years, this platform had meant everything. It was her gateway to a different world.

But something was different this year. She couldn't quite explain it. Lily didn't know if it was because this would be the last time she boarded the Hogwarts Express as a student at Hogwarts Magic School. She didn't know if it was because Lord Voldemort was casting his shadows on the magical world and even the Muggles could sense his presence and purpose. She didn't know if it was because she was going to see the Marauders again. As it was also their last year, they would probably decorate it with more pranks, schemes and crazy plans. For some they would bring joy and tears of laughter, for others headaches and at least for all the Slytherins they would spoil their joy of life.

It would probably have been likely that this year would have ended that way and that this would have been Lily's problem if she hadn't known deep down that the Marauders would not continue this year as they had before. Maybe that was the reason for her discomfort. Even though the Marauders have driven her to despair and wrath so often, in all the darkness, seriousness and coldness that Voldemort's quest for power has been causing, these four boys, who behaved almost exclusively like infants, had always been a small ray of hope.

With their carefreeness, almost carelessness; with their fidelity, solidarity and loyalty both to each other and to all their classmates who did not believe in the dark arts, and with their inevitable lust for life, they had on several occasions torn people out of the depressions that were often the result of Voldemort's appearance.

But Lily and the rest of the school doubted that they would be anywhere near where they had been 8 weeks ago after what had happened this summer.

She was thinking about James Potter. Every day for two years, he has been asking her out. Every time, her answer has been no. He was a self-centered, arrogant, pretentious bighead who constantly got into trouble with his three friends and found himself in detention with the teachers almost every day. Despite all this, he was popular with almost everyone, especially the girls, because of his talent for Quidditch, his high intelligence, which made him, together with his best friend Sirius Black, the best of the year every year, and because of his abhorrence of the dark arts. He was pure blood. The Potter family was known for many great Aurors who had successfully rebelled against many dark forces. James Potter's sense of justice sometimes went so far as to turn even against his classmates who showed interest in these dark arts. Thus Severus Snape, a Slytherin, was his constant enemy. And this has been another reason for Lily to detest James Potter for the last years.

But she had no idea how she was going to face him this year. She had no idea what had changed. In her heart, she wished he had stayed the same. But it was unlikely.

Lily pressed her black cat Mercutio close to her. He began to purr and looked at her insistently with his green eyes, as if he wanted to ask if she was all right. Lily smiled and tickled his ears. Then she took a deep breath and faced the facts.

After Lord Voldemort himself had murdered the currently two most powerful Aurors in England, leaving their son James Potter an orphan, nothing would ever be the same again.


	2. Chapter One - Do you know who?

_After Lord Voldemort himself had murdered the two most powerful Aurors currently in England, leaving their son James Potter an orphan, nothing would ever be the same again._

"Hey, Lily," Chantal Finnegan greeted her best friend as she reached her compartment just before departure.

Lily was happy that Chantal gave her a hug, but felt that even her friend's hug had changed. She no longer greeted her effusively and stormy. No, she had stood up calmly and had embraced her in relief, as if to say good that nothing has happened to you. Probably all the gestures of friendship and love looked like this in those fearful days. No one knew who was next on Voldemort's list.

"Hello, Chantal. How are you?" asked Lily and put Mercutio in his cat basket, where he curled up peacefully and closed his eyes to reality. Lily heard Chantal sigh and sat down opposite her to look at her with worries in her eyes.

Chantal looked visibly tired and worn out. And then the scales fell from her eyes. Her parents had been close friends with the Potters. "Well, I'm quite okay. I'm just worried about my parents. My mother, in particular, is very upset by all this. Vivian was a very good friend of hers," she said quietly and stared dead ahead. The image of her grieving mother before her eyes.

Lily swallowed and leaned back uneasily. That was all Chantal needed to say. Vivian Potter, had been at Hogwarts with Chantal's mother and they had studied together.

She took a deep breath. No matter where she went, the Potters' death haunted her. She had hoped to find a little distance at Hogwarts. But she should have known better. How could she have expected that when the Potters' son went to her school, her class, her house. All around her there were oppressed, tense and frightened faces. Lily didn't know how she was going to stand it. She was so young after all, and had to face such dangers. In fact, she was a cheerful person and rarely in a bad mood. But precisely because of that cheerful nature, it was difficult for her to motivate herself or cheer herself up despite all the depression, fear, despair and anxiety.

"Lily," Chantal suddenly whispered sharply, pointing at her compartment door with her hand held out. Startled, Lily turned to the side just in time to see four figures passing the sliding door window. She held her breath. She hadn't seen the people exactly, but she knew it had been the Marauders.

In retrospect, Lily suddenly felt that she would have liked to recognize James. She wanted to know how he was doing. She would've liked to have seen that he was okay.

"Lily," Chantal said again, a little louder this time, and Lily found herself daydreaming. Hopefully Chantal wouldn't notice the rising blush on her face, because all of a sudden she was ashamed of having thought of James Potter.

She looked courageously into her friend's questioning face and was relieved when her suspicious look vanished. "So you've become head girl," she finally asked, and Lily breathed a sigh of relief. They could surely talk about that.

Lily nodded with a gentle smile, "Yes, I was so happy and surprised when I received the badge." Chantal grinned: "You're not trying to tell me that you didn't work towards exactly this goal and didn't know that it would be you?" she asked with a hint of irony in her voice. Lily just rolled her eyes and put off Chantal’s remark with a simple wave of her hand.

"Do you know who the head boy is?" Lily replied instead, hoping that Chantal would know. But she shook her head. "I suspect Remus is. He’s already been a fifth grade prefect and would fit the bill," Chantal concluded and looked to the ceiling brooding over other possibilities.

Lily looked at her watch and realized that they were already expecting her in the front compartment. With a heavy heart, she decided to stop by at the Marauder’s compartment to pick up Remus, if he wasn't already in the front compartment. She stood up and said goodbye to her best friend for a few moments.

The further she walked through the train, the more queasy she felt. She didn't have to stop and pick up Remus. But it would have been impolite not to remind him if he was still with his friends. What if she was wrong? If Remus wasn't head boy after all? Lily shook her head. Unlikely. Inwardly, she slapped herself for her fear. There was nothing to fear. She wasn't to blame for the Potters' death, yet she didn't know how to face the Marauders.

Instinctively, she kept running forward. The four of them were almost always sitting in the same compartment and could be heard at both ends of the train. But today the corridors were suspiciously quiet. Outside, it was raining and it was correspondingly dark. Then she reached the infamous compartment and it was still quiet – quite the opposite of what she had hoped for for a short moment. No, she wouldn't stop - would she?

"Hey, Lily!" she was suddenly greeted and looked up surprised. She had stopped and in that moment Peter Pettigrew must have seen her and pushed the door to the side. Somewhat unsettled she turned to the four of them and waited for the worst. But she breathed a sigh of relief when she realised James was not with them.

So she had some time to think about how she could face James. She really didn't know. Because she didn't think it was appropriate to talk to him in her usual manner, which usually consisted of insulting each other. Even though he obviously has liked her for the last years, that had never stopped him from telling her directly what he thought of her sometimes. He even did that to Sirius Black, who, if it weren't for the different last names, would pass for his Siamese twin. They had known each other for ages and were always hanging out together. It was rare to see them apart - like now.

Lily was about to wonder where James was when she remembered Remus. There were moments when you could still talk to him and Peter normally. At least in the rare cases when Peter talked to others at all and to Remus, whenever the Marauders had a quiet phase or when he was alone.

He was very responsible and sometimes Lily didn't know why he was hanging around with the other three. But that shouldn't be her concern now.

She glanced through the compartment one more time. Peter sat next to the front door. Opposite him sat Remus, who smiled at her politely, but quickly returned to his book. Next to Peter sat the notorious Sirius. But Lily was shocked when she saw him. He didn't pay any attention to her, instead he was staring at the seat opposite him and seemed very worried. Lily followed his gaze and found the cause. He stared at James' seat. His things were lying there. A Quidditch magazine of which he had collected every issue since first grade. He'd once bragged about it to Sirius. Otherwise, Lily probably wouldn't have known about his collection. And his specs case was on the seat as well. He was the only one with glasses, so it had to be his.

Lily slapped herself again when she caught herself daydreaming a second time that day. "Hello. Remus, are you head boy? Because we are expected at the front of the train to brief the prefects," it all gushed out of her and if Remus hadn't shaken his head and hadn’t shocked her with this simple gesture, she would have been embarrassed. Instead, she wondered who it could be then.

"Do you know who it is?" she asked as soon as she had processed the first shock but the next one followed when Sirius stretched out his arm and pointed to James' seat.


	3. Head Boy

_"Do you know who it is?" she asked as soon as she had processed the first shock, but the next one followed when Sirius stretched out his arm and pointed to James' seat._

Lily had no idea what was happening to her. "Potter?," she exclaimed in horror and immediately slapped her hand in front of her mouth. That was uncalled for. Her classmates all knew, without exception, that she didn’t get along with James and therefore called themselves by their last names. But if anyone had heard it now, they would have thought of her as heartless and cold after what had happened during the summer break.

"Yes, James is head boy," Sirius now confirmed in words and emphasized his best friend's first name with significance and an undertone of anger. Lily tried to ignore it and took a deep breath. "Why?", she asked a bit more under control and all three shrugged their shoulders. "Ask him yourself. Don't think he wants us to tell you!", Sirius replied bitingly and on behalf of all the Marauders present.

Lily settled for that and left. But when she stopped just before her destination, she suddenly realized she was about to meet James Potter with one hundred percent probability. She felt as if she was being strangled. What was wrong with her? - she asked herself the next moment. Lily tried to compose herself as best she could and opened the door. After all, there must have been a reason why Dumbledore had made him head boy.

"Ah, the Honorable Lily Evans, little Muggle-born, ey?" someone greeted her. Lily looked up and recognized fifth-grader Peter Petersson, a Slytherin. She took a deep breath. She was used to such comments and much worse. "Petersson, I would like to point out to you that it doesn't matter whether I am, as you say, Muggle-born or pure-blooded. As you can see, my blood is sufficient enough to be head girl, which, in case you don't know, gives me the right to dismiss you from your duties if necessary, for instance because of racial prejudice," she explained to him with her usual self-confidence when it came to this subject, thus silencing Petersson. Inwardly she briefly praised herself for her first successful appearance as the new head girl.

But in the deceptive silence that suddenly gained the upper hand, it quickly came back to her - James Potter. Almost like in a nightmare in which the monster creeps up on the victim from the side and the victim turns around in slow motion, Lily turned to the side and held her breath when she finally faced him. For a moment, she had thought he wasn't here at all - after all, he hadn't defended her as he usually did. Which was supposed to confuse her, because he did it without any exception, whenever someone raised a racist word against her. But right now, James had her under his spell with his appearance.

Over there by the window, there was no longer the James Potter she so despised 8 weeks ago. She didn't know if she would despise this James Potter as well, he hadn't disclosed anything of himself yet, but the way he stood there, what his eyes, his gestures and his facial expressions exposed of him - she knew that it wasn't the same annoying, selfish, arrogant, pompous James anymore. Maybe still annoying, selfish, arrogant and pompous, but not the same.

She didn't quite know how she recognized it, but he was no longer surrounded by that radiant, joyful aura. His eyes looked tired, exhausted and somehow traumatized. As if they had seen something no one had seen before. Something gruesome, something horrible and despicable. And in the next moment, Lily wished she was wrong. She gulped it all down and tried to focus on his appearance for a moment. His dark, curly hair had grown considerably longer. Not like Remus, who could tie his dark blond hair into a small plait, but long enough to make him look different and somehow dashing. His hair fell loosely into his face and slightly covered the marked eyes. He still wore his glasses, which made only him - as Lily suddenly became aware - not look like a nerd. His facial features also suddenly seemed more striking, she almost wanted to say more masculine.

He had never been one of the milksops, partly because of his Quidditch training, but like so many things - it was simply different. When he suddenly took a step towards her, she was torn from her trance and this time she slapped herself several times. Why did he suddenly upset her so much? Perhaps it was because they had treated each other so badly all these years and now he had suddenly lost his parents. Perhaps she felt pity, or even a little guilt about the way she had approached him many times.

But when the 8 prefects started whispering impatiently, she remembered what her actual task was. Potter deserved sympathy, but nothing more - she reprimanded herself and tried to build up the usual cool facade towards Potter.

"So you became head boy?," she asked, and it turned out less aggressively than she'd hoped. He nodded and turned to the younger students. Without paying any further attention to Lily, he began.

"You are the 8 students chosen this year by the headmaster, Professor Dumbledore, to be prefects. It's an important task that requires discipline, responsibility and lots of time. Most importantly, you will need to maintain order, peace and security in your houses. In addition, you will be called to conferences at regular intervals where you will be familiarized or assigned with certain tasks. These conferences will be convened by either Lily Evans and, or me. As you know, we are this year's head boy and girl and have the right to review any decisions you make and, if necessary, allow or override them. You are allowed to deduct points or impose punishments on other students, even outside your own house. But be told, handle this position responsibly, because we are having an eye on it. Otherwise, as Miss Evans mentioned, you may be suspended from your services as prefect," James explained the essential facts in one breath, as it seemed to Lily. With her mouth open and forgetting to breathe, Lily looked at James. Had he learned it by heart or did he actually know what he was talking about? He had called her Miss Evans.

"Are there any questions?" he now asked around, ignoring Lily. The girl from the Hufflepuffs immediately raised her arm, "What kind of punishment may be given?" Lily was just about to put it all together in her mind when James began to enumerate aloud: "Essays related to the offence; cleaning and clearing up the school grounds; repairing any damage that may have been caused; or leaving the student in the care of a house-elf of your choice for a period of time."

Lily looked at him even more shocked, almost angry, because she had to admit that he was doing a good job so far. But why? Why did James Potter who didn't give a damn about all the rules, who didn't give a damn about crimes, talk about discipline and responsibility? Why was he standing there and not making fun of these punitive measures? Why did he humiliate Lily like that?

Angrily, she crossed her arms in front of her chest and snorted softly. She looked suspiciously at his chest to make sure that he really was head boy. There the badge was shining back at her.

Her pity and her concern about how she should behave towards him after the death of his parents were forgotten. As if in a state of intoxication, she suddenly felt the urge to expose him as he had done it to her the last years whenever he had asked her out publicly, for example.

But in those situations she had had a reason. It was impudent of him to ask her out after she had stopped him from doing even worse things to Snape. She had come here benevolently but now her usual shield of defence against James was building up in front of her. Not to defend herself against anything that was wrong, impertinent or nonsensical, but because she realised for the first time in her life that there was a different side to him - because for the first time in her life she was jealous of James Potter.


	4. Nobody had asked Lily

_Not to defend herself against anything that was wrong, impertinent or nonsensical, but because she realised for the first time in her life that there was a different side to him - because for the first time in her life she was jealous of James Potter._

"Is anything still unclear?," James continued, ignoring Lily, who was having increasing difficulty controlling her exuberant rage, let alone hiding it. All of the students, all eight of them, sitting in the front compartment of the train, could see Lily's delicate, otherwise very fair, even skin taking on a scarlet red. A deep frown line ran above her bright green eyes and her hands were clenched into fists. - Lily Evans was angry.

Worse than the brazen way this Potter was exposing her, was the fact that he was ignoring her completely, wasn't paying any attention to her, wasn't even looking at her.

In her thoughts the redhead got so furious that she didn't notice the ridiculousness she was exposing herself to and she didn't notice that James gave some more important hints and then said goodbye to the students.

When Lily became aware of this, the students had already put their heads together, started whispering secretly and were on their way to their compartments. Irritated, Lily looked after them and tried to bring order into her chaos of thoughts.

"What was that show about, Potter?" it suddenly gushed out of her, anxious to give his surname a particularly theatrical emphasis.

Her whole body was under tension, as James could clearly see when she stared at him in a state of complete agitation. She searched for answers in his eyes, his features, his gestures, even though she knew she would not find any. Not only because he looked at her helplessly and questioningly, but also because deep inside she knew that she was the one who was putting on a show here at the moment.

But Lily was too proud to admit this to herself and in front of James she would rather look like a hysterical fury than giving in or even admitting a mistake.

"I don't know what you're talking about," James replied coolly, turning away from her to leave the small room.

This ignorant behaviour! Lily was about to explode. She literally snorted in blind rage as she turned to face him. "You haven't changed at all, Potter. Don't think I'm going to give you a shred of pity just because you've lost your parents," she yelled after him.

James stopped. Lily saw his hands clenching in the black school cape. "You would be the last person I would expect anything different from, Lily!" he finally said to her surprise, completely monotonous, without any sign of emotion, and left. He paid no attention to her when he left her standing alone.

Shock. As if in a trance, Lily stared at the door for a while, staring into space, before she suddenly began to look around frantically and blinking without even noticing anything of her surroundings. Finally, under a short but loud scream, she slapped her hands in front of her face.

"Argh, what was that," she asked herself aloud and dropped onto the heavily padded seats where the students of the prefects had just been sitting. She felt how the adrenaline subsided, her blood pressure dropped and her breathing calmed down. But with every second that passed, with every moment that faded and took a little bit more of her anger with it, the feelings of shame grew in her.

What had got into her? How could she have behaved like that? Why had she said such a thing to him? How could she?

Every now and then her temper got the better of her, but what she had just done was a bit too violent even for Lily's standards and far below her level.

She had worked so long towards the task of being head girl, she had prepared herself meticulously and often refrained from having fun in order to maintain her undisputed good reputation. Then this Potter came along, who for years had been making a joke of her by exposing her to the whole school, who harassed weaker pupils, who in his arrogant overconfidence believed he was irresistible and together with Sirius cooked up one prank after another - in short: in her opinion he was the biggest idiot Hogwarts had ever produced. But suddenly, his parents are being murdered and the world is turned upside down.

Sighing, Lily let herself fall against the backrest and stared at the grey ceiling. - They all pity him, stare at him with curious glances, whisper when his back is turned, about how badly he has been hit. Occasionally they ask him how he is. But nobody has asked her.

She was 17 years old, how could she know how to deal with this situation, should, ought to, was allowed to? For six years, James and Lily had had a certain, rather harsh relationship.

She couldn't just switch from one day to the next.

Another sigh escaped her and she shook her head. This was a lie or at least only part of the truth. Indeed, she just hadn't been able to see how James Potter, of all people, had snatched the only thing from her that could make this frightening present, this present without a future, bearable.

It was pathetic, Lily knew that, but at the moment, work and achievement were the most important things in her life. It was the only way she could distract herself, the only way she could escape.

"Argh! You've done a great job again, Evans!" she shouted out of the blue, hitting the seat with all the force her delicate hands could muster. Finally she paused, stood up, took several deep breaths and straightened her grey sweater with the red-yellow collar and her grey pleated skirt as best she could.

Determined, she looked to the door behind which James had disappeared several minutes ago. "A girl must do what she must do," she encouraged herself. Lily Evans would apologize to James Potter.

Don't think I'm going to show you any mercy just because you lost your parents! As these words flashed through her mind, and stirred up a flood of unpleasant and remorseful feelings that she had just wrestled down, she inevitably flinched and decided at that very moment that there was still some time left to apologise.

~*~

"Honey, you're back early!" cried Chantal in surprise as Lily entered her compartment. Lily was frightened, she was lost in thought, not prepared for the fact that there were other beings living in her world. A little worried, Chantal looked at her friend. She was pale and seemed intimidated, insecure. "Hey, are you okay?", asked Chantal, while Lily sat down carefully next to her sleeping tomcat Mercutio and stroked him gently. Almost a little absent, she let her gaze wander to the window.

From outside, the rain whipped against the windows and left tear marks. Lily swallowed. It was too embarrassing, she could not tell Chantal how she had just behaved. "I'm all right. Potter did all the work for me."

"James has become head boy?!", a slight trace of horror could be heard in Chantal's voice, but at the same moment her eyes began to sparkle and a smile spread across her lips. "That's very interesting," she added with a smug undertone and leaned her upper body towards Lily. Tense and expectant like a little child, she straightened up before her best friend.

Lily looked at her suspiciously. She knew exactly what the dark-haired young woman with the auburn eyes was aiming at. Because Chantal clearly represented the motto _Teasing is a sign of affection._ Lily would roll her eyes and, slightly irritated, give her a list of all the obvious arguments that would rule out even the slightest sympathy between her and James.

But when Chantal raised an eyebrow in her usual comical manner, all tension fell away from Lily and she started laughing loudly, freely and heartily. At first a little puzzled, Chantal finally joined in.

"It's a good thing we have the compartment to ourselves," Lily blurted out between laughs. The laughter stopped abruptly when both their eyes fell on the black cat. They looked at each other briefly, shrugged their shoulders and laughed again.

"Oh God, we are so silly...", Chantal agreed and took a deep breath to slowly but surely regain her breath. "I guess you're right," Lily agreed smiling and pulling her knees tight against her chest to make herself more comfortable.

"Tell me, didn't you have your interview with the Daily Prophet last week?", Chantal asked a little later, while she was digging a couple of chocolate frogs, she had bought from the nice old lady with the serving trolley when Lily had been at her meeting with the prefects, out of her handbag. She reached out to Lily to offer her one of those nice tasting treats.

"Yes, that's right...thank you," she replied, and at the same time took advantage of Chantal's kind offer. "They're just too delicious, those cute little frogs," she said as she savored it with relish.

Chantal commented on this statement with only a grin, for the two had already admitted to their addiction to chocolate frogs several years ago when Lily had returned to the girls' dormitory at the end of the first week in a cold December with an empty wallet but a huge bag full of treacherous chocolate.

"So tell me, how did it go?" Chantal eagerly probed into it. They hadn't spoken for five days. The last week of the holidays was always particularly stressful because of all the errands that had to be done in Diagon Alley. You would see your friends again in a short time anyway, so daily phone calls like at the beginning of the holidays became redundant.

Lily put on a serious, almost sad face and avoided Chantal's stares. She hummed and hawed and wrapped one and the same fiery red strand of hair around her index finger incessantly.

"Come on!" said Chantal and gave her a light, emphatic pat on the bare knee, which was within reach.

"Ouch!," replied Lily and looked at Chantal in indignation. But she could no longer contain herself. A joyful glow marked her green eyes. "I'm in the next round!" she squealed, as only girls do when they're happy. With a shout of joy and flushed hand movements, Chantal embraced Lily firmly in her arms.

"Great! Wow! Wow! Wow! I'm so happy for you! But I knew it all along anyway!" Lily could feel her cheeks turning red. She's never been very good at taking compliments.

"What's the task for the next round?" asked Chantal and leaned back in her seat, relaxed. She enjoyed the familiar and relaxed atmosphere. At home, her mother had been mourning for her friend Vivian for several weeks, the news reports had been nothing but devastating, and the weather hadn't been able to be cheer up all summer long either.

It was a welcome change to laugh again, to behave and feel like a seventeen-year-old. But when she looked over to Lily, the cheerfulness ended abruptly. At a blow, her best friend turned pale as death and sheer horror was reflected in her eyes.

Thinking of the prank Lily had just pulled at her a moment ago, one could have easily believed that this was another one of that sort. But Chantal knew better. Not even a Lily Evans could act that well.


	5. Of Flexible Terms

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm deeply sorry, I knew this was going to happen one day. I accidentally mixed up the chapters when uploading. I saw the chapter AO3 was proposing and just uploaded the according file from my computer, but neglected the fact that I count differently because the prologue is not really a chapter on its own. 
> 
> I am sorry for the inconvenience, but I hope you read this chapter anyway because it introduces a "new" character which is essential to the plot line. 
> 
> Have Fun, and again: I'm sorry!

"Lily, for Merlin's sake, tell me what's wrong! You're really scaring me," Chantal watched her friend insistently, hoping to get some sign from her that would explain the situation.

"It's over!" whispered Lily completely apathetic while staring through Chantal into the void. Irritated, she arched her dark eyebrows and sighed with impatience. She hated it when Lily did that. If there was one thing she had made a bad habit of, it was that from one moment to the next she would be completely taken by surprise for no apparent reason, sinking into total apathy and always keeping her friends in the dark about what was going on in her pretty but sometimes stubborn and inscrutable little head.

"It's over," she said again, but louder than before.

"For God's sake, Lily! What is over? Why don't you talk to me in full sentences for once?", Chantal replied in a raised voice. Lily flinched, apparently the words had got through to her.

Slightly disoriented, Lily looked at her friend. She seemed to ponder one moment only to suddenly bust into tears the next.

"I can forget about my dream, Chantal! I totally messed up," she confessed as thick tears were rolling down her cheek. Chantal didn't really get any wiser, but it was some form of progress. Worried, she spurred Mercutio to sit down next to Lily and gently embrace her.

"Sssh, sweetheart! Calm down. First tell me exactly what happened," said Chantal quietly, sensitively stroking Lily's red hair, while Mercutio was punishing her with a look that only cats could master, sublime and proud as they were.

"The task...it...I...I have to write a reportage...I have to write a report," explained Lily, sobbing, and rummaging angrily in her handbag for a handkerchief.

Again Chantal raised one of her neatly plucked eyebrows: "Um yes...but what exactly is the problem? I'm sorry to have to break this news to you, Lily, but journalists usually do this sort of thing," Chantal remarked and could not refrain from using a somewhat mocking undertone.

Outraged and with an uncomprehending growl, Lily pushed her friend away from her and looked out the window defiantly."I know that myself, don't be silly. I'm in real trouble here!"

"Then get out with it, and don't leave me here in the dark anymore!" Slowly but surely, Chantal became a little upset. Lily looked into her eyes in disbelief before sighing and smiling sadly.

"We all had to draw lots with the topic for our report and I...", she paused and took a deep breath to continue, "...well, I drew Potter." To stress the dramatic nature of her problem to Chantal once more, just in case the tears hadn't been clear enough, Lily sighed theatrically and dropped her shoulders.

"What do you mean by 'you pulled Potter'?", Chantal asked incredulously. "Do you have to write a report on all the pranks and curses he's ever inflicted on his classmates? "Or do you have to... ...or do you have to write about the death of his family?"

"Neither," replied Lily, dabbing a little of the tear-stained makeup under her eye with her handkerchief. "He's been on the Quidditch national team since last May, and he had his first match in June."

"That's right, that was before..." Chantal paused briefly. She hated saying it out loud, because saying it made it so real, so painful, "...before this terrible thing happened. James had actually been pretty good, hadn't he?", she asked, employing an exaggerated cheerfulness that immediately made Lily suspicious.

But she nodded and conceded to Chantal to cover up her grief, her fear, by sticking to the actual subject: "I didn't watch the match myself, but from what the editor has said, he scored some crucial goals and well, Potter being one of the youngest national players of all time, blah blah...the thing is probably additionally interesting for the people from the Daily Prophet - so close to the European Championship."

A little more relaxed, Chantal leaned back and crossed her arms in front of her chest. Should it really be that easy? Should the whole problem really be revealed at this point? Did Lily really make such a cinematic fuss just about this? It was worth another shot.

"Lily-sweetheart, I know that you and James have had your share of, shall we say, differences in the past." Undeterred by the mocking laughter Lily threw at her, Chantal continued with her thought, "It's not the ideal starting point for your report and certainly not very pleasant to work with him, but later on no one will ask you whether you like the job or not."

"I do realize that, Chantal. That's not the real problem," Lily replied and made Chantal despair. Annoyed, Chantal slapped her hand against her forehead and shook her head in disbelief, although she had intuitively seen it coming: "Will you get to the point, Lily?

Lily would have loved to laugh, because the situation was just stupid, but she had behaved so terribly wrong. It was hard enough for her to admit mistakes in front of others. She couldn't even admit mistakes to herself, how could she explain to her best friend that she had just snapped at James Potter and had said things to him that you just can't say to a grieving son?

Again she sighed and closed her eyes. If she had to face her mistakes right now, at least she didn't want to have to look into the eyes of her friend: "I snarled at him pretty hard after the briefing of the prefects, accused him of putting on a show and that he wouldn't get any pity from me just because...well, just because his parents died."

Lily didn't have to look at Chantal, she knew her friend was staring at her in dismay. Her own hands tensed in her dark grey pleated skirt as she waited for her best friend's sermon, like a little child waiting for her parents to go on a rampage after it had done something bad.

"How could you do this, Lily? His parents didn't just die, they were cruelly murdered. Don't you think even James Potter deserves a little more decency in this case?"

Guiltily, Lily winced and made herself as small as possible in the big seat: "I just let my temper get away with me..." she replied cautiously, knowing full well that this was no excuse. She saw Chantal was about to start the next part of the sermon when suddenly the door to the compartment of the two girls was opened.

Lily moaned as she saw the rather small, very feminine student with the most perfect blonde corkscrew curls England has ever seen in the doorway. Her lips were as voluptuous as any pubescent Hogwarts student in possession of a Y chromosome would wish for. But even if you only, like Lily, had X chromosomes, it was hard to hide envy of those full red lips. However, she truly epitomized femininity, because of her huge saucer eyes, which fixed Lily as soon as she had come into their field of vision.

The redhead shivered when Rita Kimmkorn's ice-blue gaze hit her. Unlike most of her male classmates, Lily couldn't understand in the slightest how one could find such chilly eyes seductive. With each look, Lily felt more harassed and intimidated.

Rita Kimmkorn radiated a sense of self-satisfaction and self-confidence that not only frightened Lily, but in her eyes far surpassed the arrogance and condescension that Potter usually displayed.

Lily snorted and decided not to look at Rita. "Well, well, why so unkind," Rita asked, with a smugness in her voice that once again caused frown lines on Lily's forehead. With a grin on her face that reached from one ear to the other, revealing her bright white bleached teeth, Rita walked up to Lily without taking any notice of Chantal, who was still sitting close to her, staring at Rita as flabbergasted as Lily.

Ignorantly, Rita squeezed herself between Lily and Chantal, to signal to the latter in her own, unmistakable way to please find another seat.

"Didn't you learn at the seminar that you should first convince your victims of your charm? You can save your teeth for those who prove to be uncooperative," she said, while miming the naive dummy by raising her black lined eyebrows in disbelief.

Even before this condescending gesture could hit Lily in all its force, even before Lily could add any meaning to Rita's choice of words, especially regarding the word victim, Rita's red lips were already forming the plastic grin they had mastered so well. "But so far EVERYONE has cooperated with me," Rita added to her last statement, innocently batting her long eyelashes.

"What do you want, Rita?", Chantal now took the floor, visibly anxious not to let the self-convinced blonde lure her out of her reserve.

Surprised, Rita turned away from Lily: "Oops, I didn't even notice that you were here too, dear Chantal!” "You never notice anything," Chantal replied sharply and stared intensely into Rita's blue eyes.

Rita paused for a moment, scrutinized Chantal several times from top to bottom, lifted her chin and then turned away from her with a sniffy sigh. Apparently, she had found Chantal not worthy enough to comment on her insult. But in reality, Rita just couldn't think of anything else to add to this, in her eyes, outrageous insolence.

"Actually, I'm always advocating working independently in a competition. It should be fair and honest. This also means that you in no case shadow or even spy on your competitor. But in urgent circumstances, you should make an exception and help your competitor if he or she needs it." Rita sounded highly pathetic when saying this and to support her statement theatrically pressed one hand against her heart, which had turned out much too small.

Sceptically, Lily raised one eyebrow. She would have gladly spared herself this scene, but now she wanted to know where the conversation was supposed to be heading - what Rita was up to again.

"What are you talking about?" she finally asked and slid further towards the window to put enough distance between herself and Rita, who was incessantly getting closer.

With unease, Lily watched as Rita leaned over to her, always a smug smile on her lips, and held her face far too close to Lily'a left ear. "I have my sources, dear. You don't seem to be very adept at doing your job," Rita breathed into her classmate's ear almost lasciviously.

Chantal could see that Lily suddenly became completely stiff and stared into the void in horror. Rita's self-satisfied smile allowed her to guess what was going on.

"If you like, I'd be happy to use my charm on Mr. James 'sexy' Potter for you," Rita offered, audible to Chantal as well. At the name James, Lily seemed to suddenly wake from her state of shock and looked at Rita with contempt. Even if it sounded like an offer, like an offer to be despised, Lily knew Rita Kimmkorn long enough to know that she was playing another one of her games that Lily deeply condemned.

If it wasn't about parading Lily, humiliating her, or simply making fun of her, it was about some plan that would give Rita an advantage in any way, shape or form.

"I certainly won't stoop to your level and as far as I know your priorities should be far from James," Lily growled at her in rage between gritted teeth.

A flirtatious smile flitted across Rita's lips and for a split second, her eyes also gleamed. So much complacency unsettled Lily, who crept even further into the corner of the compartment: "So, are we back to James, Ms. Evans? Just now, when you brought him down without a shred of compassion, you didn't have this much decency for him."

"How do you...?" the question got stuck in Lily's throat. None other than Rita Kimmkorn stood before her, the question was unnecessary.

Her father, Richard Kimmkorn, had started to build up what had become the largest publishing group for magical print media in Great Britain decades ago. Almost two thirds of all daily newspapers belonged to his publishing house. This was not only the reason why Rita had been awarded every journalism internship she was interested in without even batting an eyelash; it was also the reason why she had enough money to pay every would-be reporter at their boarding school to spy on people who were interesting enough in Rita's (journalistic) life.

Of course Rita Kimmkorn had also applied for the job at the Daily Prophet and of course she was only one task away from the desired permanent position without ever having completed the first rounds of the application process. However, even a powerful man like Rita's father probably had to keep at least the appearance of legality at certain points in life to protect his good reputation and could not simply buy the job for his daughter.

Rita, for her part, would have liked to avoid the last hurdle as well. Instead, for better or worse, she had to face the first challenge of her life and was trying to minimize the risks by having her fiercest competitor Lily Evans shadowed.

Lily sighed as this realization slowly seeped through her streams of consciousness, leaving a queasy feeling in the pit of her stomach. She knew very well that Rita had other ways and means than normal 17 year olds. The term 'shadowing' was extremely malleable in the context of Rita's vocabulary and its interpretation was quite variable.


	6. Embarrassing Chains of Thoughts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please have a look at the previous chapter again, I accidentally uploaded this one here instead of the actual chapter. So please go back one chapter and catch up on LIly's and Chantal's talk. This chapter also introduces a new character which is essential to the plot so may want to read it ;)

It was all so familiar when she set foot on the platform - and yet it was not. Lily would have loved to convince herself that it was because of the responsibility she now carried as head girl. But she had never been good at fooling herself - even if a very quiet voice was whispering to her at that very moment that she had been fooling herself about James Potter for the past 7 years.

She sighed and looked up to the castle. For a brief moment she could repress all her thoughts and enjoy the sight of Hogwarts as it lay there so peacefully on the mountain, feverishly awaiting the dawn to finally shine in all its glory. At night, when all the lights were lit and they were the only source of light in the vast black area, it was in those very moments that Lily felt at home and finally at peace.

A smile flashed across her soft pink lips, when suddenly a loud scream filled her ears. Startled, she looked around. Not far from her stood a little girl on whom the black school cape seemed much too big. She was crying bitterly and heavy sobs hardly let her take a liberating breath.

Lily understood a moment too late. She stood on the platform as if rooted to the ground, blocking the way of other impatient students streaming out of the train and staring spellbound at the scene that was unfolding before her.

"Hey little one, why are you crying?" she heard him say as he knelt down beside the girl with shoulder-length hair, who fell silent as soon as James had placed a reassuring hand on her shoulder. Lily could see the girl trying to regain her composure as her cheeks reddened. Now Lily had to smile. She knew this endearing shyness, this sparkling in her eyes only too well. She had experienced this kind of childhood infatuation first hand, when she was 12 years old and a quaffle hit her in the head only to grant her an unforgettable trip to the hospital wing.

During those months when Madame Pomfrey was hosting a young male trainee in her sacred halls, each of her beds had been occupied. Lily was by no means the only one who had firmly believed that she was going to die if she had to leave the hospital and was never allowed to see him again. Matthew Stevens had been the man of all the girls' dreams for six months.

Oh, how young and naive she had been back then. Lily shook her head quickly to banish those awfully precocious thoughts from her mind. She was 17 years old, and remembering the embarrassing situation earlier on the train, she was not one bit better than when she was 12.

While she was getting lost in a tangle of memories and self-contempt in her mind again, James took excellent care of the little girl, who took advantage of the moment to engage her crush in a conversation.

Suddenly, the scales fell from Lily's eyes. She was head girl. She had to make sure all first graders were escorted safely to the Hogwarts premises.

Lily plucked up all her courage, swallowed the unpleasant memories of the scene on the train and walked over to James.

But her mere appearance could not gain his attention, so she cleared her throat loudly to remedy this situation. The only attention Lily now received for this was that of the little girl. Startled, she stared at Lily and visibly went into awe.

Lily tried to smile to take away the little girl's fear a little. But she could not get beyond a pitiful twitching of the corners of her mouth. The fact that she seemed to be frightening an 11-year-old girl upset her. Such a reaction did not fit into her concept. Everything, like everything, was meant to happen without problems, without difficulties and without any inconvenience. Her year as head girl should be remembered forever, but certainly not because James Potter, of all people, had become her partner and an 11-year-old girl she was supposed to take care of was afraid of her. Children simply could not be afraid of her. She was Lily. Lily Evans.

"Damn it all!" Lily cursed softly as she watched all her imaginations, ideas and dreams floating away.

"Don't be afraid, Melinda! Cassandra will find her own way up to the castle," James explained calmly. The student's eyes began to sparkle.

"Is Cassandra a first-grader too? Then we have to look for her," Lily joined in the conversation, although both Melinda and James ignored her completely.

Lily had no idea who Cassandra even was. It could also be Melinda's older sister, and in that case she would have found her way to Hogwarts on her own. But Lily had no idea how serious and responsible James was about his new duties. He seemed different, even Lily took notice of that. But after all these years of irresponsible and self-opinionated behaviour, it was simply not possible to completely change oneself overnight. Not even James Potter could do that.

Although she had already embarrassed herself bitterly in front of him on the train, she didn't want to be responsible for a missing 11-year-old Cassandra who had to be sought with the help of milk cartons the next morning because she had relied on James Potter's judgement.

The next moment, Lily seriously wondered if it was common practice in the magical world to search for missing children through milk carton prints. At Hogwarts there were no milk cartons, only milk in jugs, and they were not usually printed.

"Cassandra is her cat," James said dryly, without looking at Lily, and tore her from her daydreams.

For a moment she stood there petrified as she internally slapped herself and decided she had to take it easy on the whole matter of being Head Girl.

"Oh, in that case I can assure you in good conscience that she will find her way on her own. Cats are smart animals," Lily finally explained and was happy to have said something meaningful for the first time that day.

Melinda looked at Lily expectantly: "Are you sure about this?" "Yes, I am. When I just got off the train, I let my cat Mercutio go, too. After the long train ride, he finally wanted to romp around in the open air. I have no idea why, but our little cronies usually know the way to the castle before we do," Lily even managed to smile complacently and all scepticism disappeared from Melinda's face.

"That relieves me. Perhaps Mercutio will show my Cassandra the way," Melinda concluded, her gentle brown curls falling into her face.

"I am sure of it! Now, get over to the lake quickly, to your friends. The boats are leaving any second!" James had now spoken again and was smiling at the girl.

Lily was frightened and didn't recognize how Melinda thanked her and joined her friends in relief, while she was staring at James in horror. Her eyes were also fixed him as he straightened up and turned to her.

That had not been his smile. Where had the glint in his eyes gone? Where were the little laugh lines that appeared at his temples whenever he grinningly asked her out? His smile, his grin, his laugh - all that had been etched into her memories over the years. Like a burn mark, she saw his eyes laugh when she closed her own eyes. But his eyes did no longer join in the laughter. His smile had withered into a mere muscle contraction.

Suddenly, she felt that dull feeling in her stomach again, which tormented her whenever emotions loosened inside of her that she was only too happy to suppress.

"Lily, are you all right?" she heard James say in the distance and realized she was breathless. She had held her breath for an appallingly long moment. A deep breath brought her back to reality.

"Um...yes...," she stuttered, unable to form intelligent and coherent sentences. Embarrassed, she turned away from him. He was not meant to see her cheeks redden and taking on the color of her hair. "Let's round up the first-graders and get them on the boats," she murmured into her cape and ran as fast as she could to the front compartments of the Hogwarts Express to look after the youngest students.

What was wrong with her? Why was she constantly lost in chains of thoughts that embarrassed her terribly and made no sense? As she walked, she glanced behind her back for a brief, furtive glance, and her heart stopped for a moment when she saw that he was already busy gathering the students around him.

"Damn!" she growled angrily. What did you expect? That he would stare at you like an idiot? Frustrated, she shook herself to hide all those thoughts in a corner in the back her mind for now. You haven't even apologized to him! Lily sighed disillusioned and slapped her forehead in frustration. Right now, it was obviously quite hopeless to suppress her thoughts about James Potter and her bad conscience towards him.

"All first-graders please come to me," shouted Lily loudly into the crowd of black-dressed figures who were running back and forth excitedly, whispering and frantically searching for familiar faces. Her loud shout helped to sort the crowd a little bit, as two dozen children promptly stood before her, staring at her with big eyes. Lily could see the tension and excitement and was glad that their sight finally took her mind off things.

"Please follow me," she said after making sure everyone could hear her. A little more exhilarated, she took the large crowd down to the lake, where the first students of James' group were already getting into the boats with the small lanterns on the bow.

Lily smiled when she realized that this tradition was simply beautiful. Before she knew it, the black lake had turned into a sea of lights. Here and there some children splashed happily in the water or they could not close their mouths in amazement as Hogwarts revealed itself to them in all its splendour and grandeur.

Together with two students, Lily and James boarded the last boat. "Here you are," said James, reaching out to help Lily into the boat before sitting down beside her. "Thank you," whispered Lily awkwardly. She was not used to being treated like a lady. But despite all the childish pranks, all the big-headed bragging, James never forgot his manners. Unlike many others, James still had been raised a gentleman, Lily knew that too. And at that very moment, this fact was more unpleasant for her than ever before, because roughly two hours ago she herself had thrown all her manners overboard.

Apparently, the gesture was far less meaningful to James, because he did not react to her saying thank you. Instead, he watched the students on the other boats while Lily gradually realized that the only way to get rid of this sinking feeling in her stomach was to apologize to James.

"James, I..." she said with a trembling voice, pausing to search for words. But when she noticed that James still wasn't responding, she followed his gaze to see who he was paying attention to. What she saw were the two little boys in her boat, holding a remembrall in their hands and arguing heatedly. The little ball, in which red smoke was bulging, changed hands at a remarkable speed and before Lily knew it, it flew off the boat in a high arc.

"No!" cried one of the little boys in horror as the ball dropped into the water, "That was a gift from Mommy!" The little boy jumped up and tried to lean over the railing to reach for the ball. Quickly, Lily leapt forward, grabbed the boy and pulled him back. "You better not fall in there," she admonished him, struggling to hold the 11-year-old back.

"But this is my remembrall! I only got it today!" he cried and Lily became terrified when he began to cry. "It's not true! I have been given the remembrall!", the other boy suddenly called out in between and only now did Lily notice that the two looked as alike as two peas in a pod.

"Accio, remembrall!" Perplexed, Lily looked up and saw James, who had pointed his magic wand at the surface of the water. One second later the little ball shot out of the depths of the lake and with a skillful grip James caught it just above the water. But as soon as his hand tightened around the remembrall, a sharp pain went right through him. With a jerk, he dropped the ball.

"Shit," Lily heard him curse and watched as he reached into the water with his face distorted in pain to grab the remembrall before it began to sink. Without looking at Lily he shoved the now transparent ball into her hands and pressed his arm, with which he had just fished the remembrall out of the lake, against his chest.

"Wow, what a cool move!" said one of the boys as Lily returned his gift. "Are we learning this too?" asked the other, who was apparently his twin brother. But Lily ignored them both.

Her undivided attention was currently focused on James, who was still pressing his apparently aching arm against his body and clenching his teeth tightly. Worried, Lily leaned over to him: "Let me see," she asked him quietly and tried to grab his arm as he abruptly turned away.

"No, thank you, Lily," he snapped at her angrily. Startled, Lily recoiled and tried to justify herself: "All I wanted was..." Suddenly, her eyes fell on his arm, and she went silent.

"James, what is this?" she asked in a horrified and frightened voice as James wrung out the sleeve of his sweater, thus revealing the view of his bare forearm.

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: So, this is beyond exciting :) The story you're hopefully about to read is kind of a lifetime project. I started it when I was 16 years old, I continued to write at the age of 21 and have only recently picked it up again, which is 10 years later. I never abandoned this story but you know how life is changing when you're growing up, entering workforce and responsibilities of adult life are finally catching up with you. However, this fanfic has always been with me. I would come back to it occasionally to do the plotting, but got intimidated as soon as I wanted to start typing. You need a certain mood, you need a certain feeling of freedom, no pressure, and so forth. And I had none of these. But lately, I have been revisiting my decisions, my behaviors and plans in life a lot, making me realise that writing has always been a very important outlet and source of energy which I have abandoned for all the wrong reasons. So I want to come back to it for the sake of my own sanity. And I decided that this is the project I need to finish in order for everything else to fall into place.
> 
> This story is already 12 chapters long and has been published in my mother tongue, German. I will also continue in German, but I am not so sure how vivid the German HP community is at the moment and I wanted to put my story into a different community to maybe inspire and motivate myself a bit more to keep going. I appreciate all your feedback and would love for you to review. Please also let me know if there are any severe language mistakes. My English is quite decent, but for the art of writing fiction, you most definitely need a totally different set of language skills. And one more thing, the first 4 chapters were written 16 years ago, so please bear with the style of a 16 years old girl. I might rewrite it when I'm finished. For now, I want to cherish my teenager-self. Long talk, but I wanted to get this out of my system. Now let's start.
> 
>  **Disclaimer:** All of the characters you know, belong to J.K. Rowling. The ones you don't know, probably belong to me or you need to read the books again :D


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